Even though i'm a little new at conscienscious polyamory i've been in both kinds of relationships. I prefer the communications about our other lovers, to the limits of privacy i've established with my other partners. I've been in a relationship with the other extreme, where one of my partners wanted to know nothing about any of the others. The ones I'm in now are somewhere in between. on the whole I think it's better to know a lot. It helps make the changes more visable. i mean, they're inevitable so knowing enough to deal is good as long as you deal with the right stuff to deal with teh changes as they come.

I fully agree with what Nancy said...it is tricky and we can't control what another person talks about outside of our relationship with them (though I am also very private at times, and have set specific limits regarding that). I have to trust that H will talk lovingly about me, even if he is venting, or working out an issue. Trust is not an easy thing for me regarding that.

On the trust note, when he and I first got together, I was uncomfortable talking about my experiences with other people, and he really wanted to know. He wanted to share my life with me, be a part of it, and though I also intellectually wanted the same, I was not used to that. It was very uncomfortable for me, but I eventually learned to share what I could, and learned how to say 'I am not comfortable sharing' when I couldn't. I also had to learn and then be able to speak about the fact that I could only share as much as my lovers were comfortable with, that their privacy was as much a part of what I could or would share as my own. It was not easy for me at first, my need for privacy had been hammered into me by someone that allowed me no privacy and tried to control everything I did. It took awhile to learn that this situation was different than the old one and that I wasn't giving someone ammo to use against me, but sharing with my partner what was going on in my life. It is essential now to do that.

As for how much I can or can't hear, it is entirely unpredictable at this point and I never know what it is that will spark insecurities or not. I ask to know what he feels he needs or really wants to share with me, what is important to him. I don't need or want to hear inconsequential things.

I believe that communication about this is paramount. If he is shifting about uncomfortably when you tell him about your other lovers, ask him why. And that would also be a good time to tell him why you need/desire to share this with him. It would also be a good time to talk about why you want to be a part of his life that way, and even ways to help alleviate some of his fears/concerns.

I strongly prefer to be able to talk about my other lovers openly and in detail. When everything works well they talk to eachother and maintain their own friendship as well. I am currently in the first relationship where it's been a no no to talk about my other lover and that is wearing on me. I hate having to check myself when talking about my day, or what's been going on with me, why I'm in whichever random mood I'm inhabiting, etc.